its not stalking. its research.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
