Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
