I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
