He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize