If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
