I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
