So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I didn't shave. On purpose
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I want to fling myself into the sun
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
