He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
