saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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