There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
