i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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