My room smells like vodka and shame
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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