I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
