Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
