Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
