how can u be prego again
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
