I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
