Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize