I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
the raccoons are back...
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