I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
