it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize