I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
