Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
