I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
