I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
