I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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