No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
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