my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
