they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
