Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think a kid would responsible me up
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
