So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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