quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
