Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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