the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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