I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
