It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
