I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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