Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize