do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
