Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
