i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
