You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
