dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
