cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
