hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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