Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
