I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize