We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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