woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
