I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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