i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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