Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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