Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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