I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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