UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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