even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
