there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize