Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
