I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
