Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize