Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
