What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize