don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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